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Do you think Cavemen ever resent the name “cavemen”? It’s probably a sore subject for them after years and years of persecution for being who they are. “Hey man,” they say “I live in a house! I’m a houseman!” Except they’re not good at talking since they’re dumb cavemen so they just say “me house!” Haha, silly caveman, go back to the stone age with your crude clubs and animal skins.

Seriously, try explaining modern life to a caveman. “This is a smartphone. It lets me connect to a vast network of information and people all around the world.” That caveman would probably stare at you for a solid two minutes and then just say “What smartphone?” There’s a reason Cavemen went extinct (hang on, just double-checking they are in fact extinct… and yes! Perfect). It’s because they decided to hit things with clubs and live in caves instead of developing agriculture, forming close relationships, and domesticating animals (how is anyone supposed to survive without chickens anyway?). So along came homo sapiens and you know what we did? We said “Hey, living in a cave kinda sucks. It’s cold and hard and there’s not even a door! I want to live in a place with a door!” And thus the American condominium was formed. All of that is real history so don’t bother fact-checking it or anything. Just trust us.

Let your kid revel in his species’ dominance over the common caveman with this costume. Here is his chance to realize all the capability and promise inherent within, because he has the chance to take the costume off and become homo sapiens again. That caveman uses a club to solve his arguments, but not your son! That caveman had to catch fresh food every day, but your son can just raid the refrigerator. And if we’ve come so far so fast, imagine where someday your son can take us!