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Have you ever considered just how perfectly designed the classic referee’s outfit is? Not just on an aesthetic level, but on a symbolic one too? Think about it: It’s a referee’s job to make sense of a world where every path has its unpredictable twists and turns, and every issue is colored in shades of gray. What better uniform than a field of straight, vertical lines in uncompromising black-and-white?

If only that kind of certainty applied in real life. Imagine being able to call offsides on that truck that cut you off on the freeway, or rule your co-worker out of bounds when she starts microwaving leftover fish sticks, or slap a 15-yard penalty on that guy on the bus listening to music without headphones. You could start building a brighter world with only a zebra-striped shirt, a handy whistle, and a pocket full of colorful flags.

We can’t promise you omnipotent judgment over all of the petty annoyances of your day, but we can set you up with a snappy polyester referee’s shirt with buttons at the sleeves and center front. Just pull on the white, elastic-waist cropped pants and adjustable white baseball cap and you’ll be ready to toss your yellow satin flag at anyone who dares cross you. Don’t be surprised if they won’t abide by your rulings, though. Even professional refs don’t have much jurisdiction beyond the playing field.