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Being a sensei is the best job in the world. So, one day you get this kid that shows up at your doorstep. He has some story about saving an orphanage or avenging his father or whatever, you’re only half listening because the TV is on in the other room and you have a pizza in the oven. So you tell him to come in, you’ll train him so long as he doesn’t question your “wise and ancient” methods.

The next day you feed the kid some line about martial arts coming from within, that it’s about what’s in your heart or spirit or some other baloney you read off the back of a box of corn flakes. “Your first test will be…uh…wax my car.” And he has to do it too! And you convince him that doing your laundry, painting your house, and cleaning out the cat’s litter box are all somehow training and not just chores. This kid can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you finally have the time to work on your tan. Didn’t we say being a sensei is awesome?

If being revered for your wisdom and ability to beat people up sounds like your cup of green tea, we recommend that you too become a Sensei Master. With this sweet robe and leather tunic you’ll be catching flies with chopsticks in no time. (Or, if you’re American, a knife and fork.) All you’ll need are some preposterous eyebrows and a fu manchu moustache and you’re golden!